kwentokoto

You’ve got to get yourself together, you got stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it. Oh, Lord. Look at you now. Stuck in a moment, and you can’t get out of it.

I am not Michael Jackson’s biggest fan. Nor do I have any ambition of claiming to be one. What I claim to be is sad. I am sad. And am quite amazed that  I feel sad.  It’s just that, to me, Michael Jackson was just there. Something taken for granted to be always present, always there, like the dining table at home or the breath on my nose. His death represents the end of an era. And of my childhood. It reminds me that we all grow old and we all have to die sometime, even those who are perceived to be immortal.

During my growing up years, his name was always mentioned everywhere. His works copied, his hair, the way he dressed. An icon as big as he could never have any suitable replacement. I guess this is an ode of some sort to the man who shaped my generation. And I guess this makes me a fan..

For all struggling actors and actresses out there.. if you wanna win a best actor/actress award, all you gotta do is bare your ass and hump like mad! I recently watched The Reader starring Kate Winslet. So disappointing. I had thought her acting would have been a lot better on that movie than on Revolutionary Road or Titanic. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t even worth shit. Not worth anything at all..All she ever did in that movie was bare ass, bare breasts, and hump! hump! hump!

or so regina spektor says.. but which star to choose?

Thoughts tickle my mind.. we just had a major fight.. been so long since I’ve written my heart out..am I losing track of my star?

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she’s always a woman to me

She’s frequently kind and she’s suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she’s nobody’s fool
And she can’t be convicted, she’s earned her degree
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you,
But she’s always a woman to me

Life always has a way giving us what we’ve always wanted, and often, when we least expect it..the secret longings we have cultivated for years have their own ways of coming true for us.Desires..hopes..sometimes even wishful thinking. I have learned never to question the many complicated ways that my dreams have come true for me, only to accept them as gifts that would make me a better and stronger person. I have learned to take my life one step at a time, one dream-come-true after another, and open each gift in sequence. It may have been tough facing the challenges that came with it, but in the end I found that the struggle was well worth the effort.Maybe, just maybe, life does have something beautiful in store for me.

There’s one less person to love and to love me unconditionally..One less person to be proud of me and my achievements..One less person to encourage me, to tell me to be good..One less person who is absolutely certain I would someday be successful.  But most of all, one less person to be disappointed in seeing what and who I am now.

Today, he finally heeded the call from beyond after months of holding on.  He tried to wait for all his loved ones to reach his side on time but I guess death betrayed him.  My favorite grandpa, the one person who believed I would someday be great and who absolutely refused to hear anything bad said about or against me.  Grief haunts me..never again will my world be the same. Slowly, one by one, they are taken from me.

But through the blur of tears and pain that surround me, I am also reminded that for each life taken another is given.  That for every loved one I lose, another takes his place.  And that for every teardrop there is a smile that awaits. Truly, life is a gift.

It happens to all of us..somehow, at some point in our lives we make ourselves believe that there is such a thing as THE ONE. And then we realize just how wrong we have been.. for, as young as we are, we can never really be absolutely sure that the person to whom we have devoted our entire being to is the one we’re meant to share the rest of forever with. Trial and error is what we do. we go blindly from one try to another with fingers crossed and arms raised to the sky. And with each error we lose a part of ourselves..something that can never again be retreived. We mourn the loss, mope around maybe, learn a few lessons (or not), then eventually move on.. and the cycle begins anew..the endless searching, the hoping, the  dreaming..and then reality hits. hard.again.

When will it end? Maybe never. Maybe we were placed on this earth to keep struggling for a meaning to the life we pretend to live by constantly trying to give meaning to someone else’s..Maybe we were meant to struggle so that once we finally meet the one who comes close to being THE ONE, we will know kow to fully appreciate the special gift we’ve been presented..maybe. just a lot of maybes..